The Unlikely Effects of Kinsey and Michael
by Kinz
Summary: A little story I wrote with my 8yrold bro. We shrink the characters of HP and make fun of Harry Potter. w00t! We don't own HP.
1. Weeeeee want cheese!

Michael: Hello and welcome to our story.

Kinsey: Michael, GET OFFA ME! …Oh, and welcome to our story. MICHAEL, GET OUTA MY SKITTLES!

Michael: Er, fiiiiiiiiiiiine, if you're gonna be that way… Erm, shouldn't we be explaining our story to the readers?

Kinsey: What readers?

Michael: Er, good point. Anyway, I'm Michael and I'm seven years old. That's Kinsey and she's 13, but very immature.

Kinsey: AHEM? Hmph! Anyway, our point is to make fun of Harry Potter as much as we can. Er, did I say that? I meant, our show is to shrink the Harry Potter characters. Our first character is… DRACO MALFOY! Let's welcome Draco to the stage! ::an "Applaud" sign lights up where the audience can see it and they applaud::

Kinsey: Well, Sexy, DRACO, I meant to say Draco, what brings you here?

Draco: Everybody calls me sexy all the time! ::cries:: Even that Potter dude! 

Michael: I TOLD you he was gay! Gimme the cash, Kinsey!

Kinsey: pays up:: That's a very bad problem, Draco. What have you tried? 

Draco: I've tried everything! I've tried grunging down-

Kinsey: drools::

Draco: dressing up, pretending I was drunk, and everything else!

Kinsey: Well, I know what you can do! Become my girlfriend, and everyone will know you're taken, and nobody will call you sexy! Besides, you can make fun of Potter with us!

Draco: …Okay! 

Kinsey: kisses Sexy-Er, Draco::

Draco: O_O Don't do that again, Kinsey.

Michael: EWWWWWWWWWW!! You kissed! Gross!! EWIE!!!!!

Kinsey: thwaps Michael:: Don't call us gross! Just because you can't stand kissing doesn't mean you have to call us gross! ::thwaps Michael again::

Michael: pouts:: You're mean!

Kinsey: Shut up, Michael. Anyway, join us next time for Voldemort!


	2. Life, the Universe, and Everything

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. At all. Don't sue me, all you'll get is a bunch of pictures from camp. And I'll fight you tooth and nail for them.

**A/N**: Oh. Em. Gee. My God, I haven't updated this in SO FLIPPIN' LONG! Haha, this is so short, but nobody reads this fic anyway. I just thought it would be nice to update SOMETHING. So here you are. This is all fake, mind you, except for hating Barney. I don't really dress like that. –would be labeled a poser if she did- Anyway…

To the story!

* * *

-Kinsey is sitting in a comfy chair listening to music so loud, we can hear every word even though she's wearing headphones. She's wearing black all over, and has dyed her blonde hair black. (XD Sally and Jess) She has studded bracelets, a studded necklace, black earrings, black eyeshadow, black lipstick… you get the idea. Michael's trying to talk to her, while our very own Voldie looks approvingly at Kinsey's outfit- 

Michael: -taking off Kinsey's headphones- KINSEY ANN! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! OR APPLE CINNAMON TEA!

Kinsey -jumps a mile high (literally)- WHAT?

Michael: We have a guest, Kinsey, so STOP WEARING THOSE HEADPHONES OR I'LL MAKE YOU WATCH BARNEY!

Kinsey: cringing: NO! NOT BARNEY! Anything but that!

Voldie: I like Barney! Do you have Barney here?

-Kinsey and Michael stare at him-

Michael: Uh… _what_ did you say?

Voldie: I said I like Barney. What's wrong with that? Barney says we should all be friends! Why don't you like Barney?

Kinsey: Uh… because he says we should all be friends? Geez, I thought I could at least be friends with _you_, the Dark Lord, but if you like Barney, y'know, I don't see how it would work.

Voldie: Well, _fine_ then. I don't wanna be friends with you, either, if you're gonna be like that.

Kinsey: Don't worry. I'll be like that. -glares- You're not cool like Becki. She can recite Pirates of the Caribbean from memory.

Michael: I can! I can!

Kinsey: No you can't! Even I can't do that! Although I've counted the number of times he says 'savvy' in the movie! (A/N Well, not yet, PotC comes after writing this and my numerous other stories. It's a 16 hour drive, so I'll have time, lol. But Becki says 6 times.)

Voldie: Uh, what are you guys talking about?

Kinsey:-thwaps Voldie- We're talking about the best movie in the world called Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, which is rivaled only by the third Harry Potter movie, the third LotR movie, and 10 Things I Hate About You. Duh.

Voldie: Oh. -rubs his head- That hurt.

Kinsey: In the words of Emily, deal with it.

Michael: Don't I get a say in all this?

Kinsey: Of course you do. Go ahead and thwap him if you want to.

Michael: Good. -thwaps Voldie twice- Once for not knowing what PotC was, and one for being mean to my sister.

Kinsey: Hmph. You were mean to me, Voldie. -brings out her wand-

Voldie: -whips out _his_ wand-

Kinsey: -starts firing curses- Take that, Barney-loving FREAK!

Voldie: -fires curses back- So what if I love Barney?

-Michael steps away from the duel and turns through the audience-

Michael: Well, that's all for this issue! Darn, we didn't even get to make fun of Potter! Oh well, we'll have plenty of time next time, because it's him we're "shrinking"-gets hit by a curse by accident- KINSEY! YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!

Kinsey: Uh-oh… -runs, taking the duel with her-

* * *

So... how was it? Not as funny, I think, as the first chapter, but c'est la vie. Oh well. 


	3. Penguins, Attention! AKA Depp sucks

w00t! I actually updated again! This is for Becki, even though she's seen this (and the next) chapter. Plaudits for Becki, cos she reviewed ! And Becki gets a role in this chapter (only because she bugged me until I agreed –rolls eyes-) and Li gets a cameo. Li and I are NOT life partners OR twin sisters, so you need not worry.

This chapter is much more off-topic than the others, but don't worry, there's still the shrinking you love so much! (-snorts-)

And I really hate to review-whore, I really do, but I would like some reviews for this fic, and not just from Becki (not that I don't love your reviews, Becki, I love them very much). The next chapter, chapter 4, is the best (and longest) chapter. In my opinion, anyways. So keep in touch with the story until you see chapter 4! (It even includes rabid fangirls!)

* * *

-Kinsey (now 14 1/2) and Michael (now almost 9) are waiting patiently for their next shrink-ee to come. They are very bored, even more bored than when the judge for Kinsey's Solo & Ensemble Contest quartet was an hour and a half behind schedule for judging the quartet. And that was pretty darn boring.-

Michael: I'm BORED.

Becki: -suddenly showing up- HEY! THAT'S _MY_ LINE! NO STEALING MY LINES OR I'LL SIC CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW ON YOU!

Li: -suddenly shows up and throws her arms around Becki, inciting a scream and a "GET AWAY!" from Becki, and dances offstage to 'The Future Freaks Me Out'-

Kinsey: -calls after Li- BYE, TWIN SISTER / LIFE PARTNER!

Becki/Michael: ICKY EWIE GROSS!

Kinsey: Eat me. Anyways, WHERE THE HECK IS POTHEAD?

Becki: Dunno. -realizes something about ten minutes late- HEY! YOU PUT ME IN YOUR STORY!

Kinsey: Duh. You're one of my best friends, silly, and you asked to be in as many stories as possible!

Becki: …oh yeah.

Michael: -whispers- Kinsey, Potter at ten o'clock.

Kinsey: -looks around wildly- Where? Where's ten o'clock? Where's Pothead?

Michael: He's right in front of you, stupid.

Kinsey: I knew that! -.-; Potter, why were you LATE?

Potter: I was saving the world again. -assumes hero-ish pose- Man, I love doing that!

Michael: Doing what, saving the world?

Potter: No, assuming hero-ish poses! DUH!

Kinsey/Becki/Michael: …

Potter: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? It's FUN!

Kinsey: Oh, you mean like being Draco's girlfriend is fun? –giggles- Mmmhmm… fuuuuuuuuuuun…

Everyone else: … -.-;

Becki: ICKY ICKY EWIE GROSS!

Kinsey: What? I was talking about how we make candy together! And drink lemonade! It's FUN!

(A/N: Anyone who can tell me what that means gets a cookie! Besides Li and Val and Becki!)

Potter: You're Draco's girlfriend? –cries- Now _I_ can't be Draco's girlfriend!

Kinsey: Potter, you're a guy. You can't be ANYONE's girlfriend!

Potter: -sniffs- Oh, thanks, rub it in, why don't you?

Becki: …

Michael: …

Kinsey: I know! Let's send Potter off to Voldie to watch Barney! That way he can be with a stupid dinosaur and a stupid Dark Lord!

Potter: Voldemort likes Barney? Oh, I can't wait to be his friend! La la la!

Kinsey: -calls a bunch of men in white coats to come take Potter away to Voldie- There ya go, Potter. Have fun; I think the nice men have a room with no windows for you! I think it even has padded walls!

Potter: YAY! -lets himself be dragged away to the loony bin to visit Voldie-

Kinsey: Join us next time for shrinking-

Becki: -interrupting- Barbossa!

Kinsey: -finishing- Sirius Black!

* * *

OK, well, there you go! Now, review if you want to make me happy! –grins innocently- I'll even throw in a free Midwest Airlines cookie or two! A whole plane-ful of them if you make your review nice and long (even if it's to tell me what exactly I did wrong, in great detail)!

And those cookies rule.


	4. Siriusly, People! Can't you take a joke?

OK, well, here's the next chapter. I like this chapter. I like this whole story, actually. I wrote this thing in five minutes, so it's really not that good, but I like it anyways. Dunno if that makes any sense.

And I promise, I'll get to work on my other stories! I have about two paragraphs of a new chapter of Forces United, and I have to TOTALLY rethink and rewrite 10 Things I Hate About You because I read it over and the last chapter sucks. It was TOTALLY not going the way I wanted it to. So I have to fix it. And the Marauders and PoA… I still have to type up the chapter. And my others, well, I've pretty much given up on them.

Ahem. Yes. So. I promise, I'll write more on the others by the end of the summer.

And I'm outright review-whoring now (Li, don't you dare say anything). I love reviews. I thrive off them. I'll review your story if you review mine, provided it's either Harry Potter or Teen Titans and is not slash. I don't care what ship, as long as it's not slash. (sorry to slash lovers; I have nothing against gay people, I just don't like slash.)

Well, this is a long author's note, so I'll sign off and say enjoy the featured presentation!

* * *

-Kinsey and Michael have finally managed to clear out the room in time for Sirius Black to arrive. It proved to be quite a struggle for them, as Becki didn't want to go and was firmly (and violently) expressing her belief that the part about making fun of Harry didn't last nearly long enough. However, they finally managed it by throwing a copy of PotC out the door. ANYWAYS, they now are sitting in comfy armchairs in front of a powerful fan, since it happens to be 90 degrees out and sunny. Yes, sunny.- 

Michael: Does it seem rather strange to you that it's sunny _inside the building_?

Kinsey: Nah… this is Potterverse. If JKR can do funny things, so can we!

Michael: OK… that explains everything, except where Sirius Black is.

Kinsey: Yeah… hey, why is it that EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN THE SHOW is LATE?

Michael: Erm, Kinsey? Only Potter's been late. Malfoy and Voldemort were on time.

Kinsey: …shut up. I'm going to go look for him.

-Kinsey goes out, slamming the door behind her. Half an hour later, she returns, dragging Sirius Black behind her. Sirius has several fangirls hanging on to him while Kinsey tries to whack them off with a broom. She occasionally hits Sirius, causing the fangirls' eyes to double and turn red.1 –

Michael: o.O OK then… here, Kinz, try this! –hands her the canon cannon- Blast them with it! It's meant for Mary-Sues, but it should work on rabid fangirls too!

Kinsey: M'kay! –takes canon cannon-

Fangirls: meep?

Kinsey: -blasts them-

Fangirls: -up, up, and away! And KABLAM!-

Sirius: Noooooooo! My fan club!

Michael: You're dead, Sirius. You don't need a fan club. You have no need for one.

Sirius: Dead people have feelings too, you know! And my feelings are hurt when I don't have a fan club!

Kinsey: x.x Wow.

Sirius: Haha, you made a dead face too! See, _she's_ dead too!

Kinsey: You'll be double dead if you don't shut up! -scary face-

Sirius: Eep?

Kinsey: That's right. Michael, wanna start the show?

Michael: Isn't it already started some 344 words ago?

Kinsey: …shut up. Start the REAL thing now!

Michael: OK. Here we are, in the building where we always are! I actually no clue where we are, we're just always here. –is nudged by Kinsey. Hard.- Anyways, we're here today to make fun of- er, I mean, shrink, Sirius Black!

Sirius: Hey, I heard make fun of… do we get to make fun of people here? I want to make fun of Snivelly! He's fun to make fun of!

Kinsey: O.O OK then! Yeah, sure, you can make fun of Snape! But we're doing that NEXT episode!

Sirius: OK. Snape's greasy, ugly, greasy, stupid, greasy, a Death Eater, greasy, bad-tempered, and greasy!

Michael. And how does that make you feel?

Sirius: …

Kinsey: …

Michael: What? We're supposed to be shrinking him, right? And that's a shrink question!

Kinsey: Whatever. So, Sirius, how _does_ that make you feel?

Sirius: Uhm… squicky inside?

Michael: And how does THAT make you feel?

Sirius: Can I go home now?

Michael: You don't have a home, stupid. You can go back to being DEAD when we're done with you.

Sirius: Done with me? –gulps-

Kinsey: -smiles evilly- Don't worry, we don't bite… hard…

Sirius: -gets up from the couch where he was laying down and backs away slowly- Who _are_ you people?

Kinsey: Just your friendly neighborhood shrinks!

Michael: Yep! And how does that knowledge make you feel, Mr. Black?

Sirius: -starts to run away-

Kinsey: Bellatrix is so much better than you anyways! You suck!

Sirius: -turns, sticks out tongue, and promptly runs straight into the doorway-

Kinsey: -starts laughing but is attacked by the reincarnates of the rabid fangirls- HEEEEEEEEELP!

Michael: -too busy pointing and laughing to help-

Sirius: -gets off the ground and runs away-

Fangirls: -run after Sirius-

Kinsey: Anyways… join us next time for Severus!

Michael: Our gerbil?

Kinsey: -rolls eyes- No! Severus Snape!

Michael: Oh. But I really wanted to shrink our gerbil…

Kinsey: Too bad. Ciao, everyone!

* * *

OK, there ya go. Severus is the name of one of our gerbils (the fat one). 

1 See an episode of Teen Titans where Raven goes evil. The only ones I can think of off the top of my head are "Nevermore" and "The End Part 1" ("The End Part 2" hasn't come out yet). But I haven't seen TT in AGES, so there are more, I'm sure. OH! And I think "Aftershock Part 1" has Raven and her Trigon-eyes. OK, I'm done now, Promise.

Review! You know you want to… free cookies to all who review…

And cookies for: **Sally** (Yes, my hair is still blonde/brown. I didn't dye it, promise!), **Keeda** (I'm glad you liked it. I love PotC!), **POTC Freak** (Haha, it's FUN to make you scream and run away!), and**Derek Rain** (Haha, I'll put you in more chapters if you really really want me to. You didn't like this the first time you read it? –sulks-)

And to my other reviewers who get double for reviewing without me bugging them: **Seed-Of-Flame** (Thanks, lol. Nah, I'm fine. It's fun making fun of them! ), and**tenniStar514** (I continued! Are you proud of me? Have you even _read_ the rest?)


	5. 5 Pts From the Studio Audience!

Uh, yeah. Chapter… five, is it? The argument in here is a real argument between me 'n' Michael – I was asking him for help on this chapter (on vacation!) and he told me that Snape was perfect, that there was absolutely nothing that I could make fun of for him. Hmph. Showed him, didn't I? XD

Can you people please review? I got over 80 page views total so far and only a few reviews. –pouts- I like this story and I really want people to like it too. If there's any way to make it better, let me know. I'll take them into consideration. Really. I will.

Onward!

* * *

-Kinsey and Michael are arguing about something. Snape hasn't arrived yet.- 

Kinsey: He is NOT!

Michael: He is so!

Snape: -suddenly appearing- No fighting! 10 points from the studio audience!

Michael: Aww, man… Kinsey?

Kinsey: -drools- Mmm… Snape… the root of all evil…

Michael: Snap out of it! You've been drooling over every character we've had on the show!

Kinsey: I have NOT! I didn't drool over Pothead – er, Potter! And I barely drooled over Sirius! Booya! In yo' face!

Michael: -sweatdrops- Oookay then. So, Severus-

Snape: That's PROFESSOR SNAPE to you.

Kinsey: -pulls herself together- We have an argument going about you, Professor Snape. Michael here says you're so perfect that you can't be made fun of. I disagree. Can you tell us who's right?

Snape: Five points from the studio audience for a dumb argument. And I agree with Michael. I am too perfect to be made fun of.

Studio Audience: -groans-

Michael: HA! I win!

Kinsey: No you don't! He's bound to say he's perfect; it's him we're talking about!

Michael: So?

Snape: Hello, feeling rather neglected here!

Kinsey: Alrighty then! What's your favorite color: black, green, red, or yellow?

Snape: -stares- What does that have to do with anything?

Kinsey: I'm your friendly neighborhood shrink. I'm supposed to ask you nosy questions!

Michael: But **_I_** wanted to ask those types of questions!

Kinsey: Too bad and too late. Sevvie? Got an answer?

Sevvie – I mean, Snape: Red! No, green! Actually, it's yellow! No, it's really black! No, it's-"

Michael: Make up your MIND!

Snape: Fine! Blacik!

Kinsey: -consulting a pamphlet- That means you're a mean person with oily hair who loves taking points from any house but Slytherin.

Michael: And you like taking points from our studio audience, too! Shame on you! Even our gerbil isn't that mean! He doesn't even bite anymore!

Snape: What does your gerbil have anything to do with anything?

Kinsey: He's named Severus, Sevvie for short, _duh_!

Snape: Five points from the studio audience for rudeness!

Random Audience Member: Hey! That's not fair!

Snape: Tough toenails – did I just say that?

Kinsey: -beams- You said what my orchestra teacher said when he was my orchestra teacher!

Snape: O.O I'm a POTIONS teacher! I am not an ORCHESTRA teacher!

Kinsey: I didn't say you were. You just sounded like one…

Michael: Back to the questions. Favorite animal?

Snape: …I know! Flamingo!

Michael: O.O why?

Snape: Because.

Kinsey: -consults the same pamphlet- Hey! That means you're a mean person with oily hair who loves taking points from any house but Slytherin!

Snape: And proud of it!

Kinsey: O.O Oookay… favorite food?

Snape: Broccoli! Especially when it's mushy like soup!

Michael: And why is that? And may I say, ewwwwwwwww?

Snape: Because it's GOOD! 10 points from the studio audience for ignorance!

Kinsey: Ugh… here we go again…

Studio Audience Member: HEY! You suck!

Snape: I suck? Tell me, where would you find a bezoar?

Kinsey: I know! I know! In the-

Snape: Shut up! Five points for acting like Hermione Granger!

Kinsey: Well, I'd better start acting like her if she's on my show next time!

Snape: 10 points off for stupidity! Having Hermione Granger on the show will be disastrous.

Michael: Yeah, but you're making us lose our studio audience!

Snape: Am I good or what? I wasn't even trying! I'll try harder! Five points off for moving! 10 for breathing! And a million off for this dumb show.

Kinsey/Studio Audience: HEY!

Random Studio Audience Member: I'm blowing this place! C'mon Bob, let's go! –leaves with a girl-

Studio Audience: Yeah! Let's go! –they all storm out, glaring at Snape-

Michael: That's a_ lot_, Snape! Now we don't have a studio audience! And you hurt my sister's feelings!

-The camera does a close-up of Kinsey's face. She is sobbing dramatically, but gives the camera a wink and a dazzling smile-

Snape: Too bad. Oh well. And it's PROFESSOR Snape to you.

Michael: You're off the show! Get out!

Snape: Fine. I never liked this show anyways! It's stupid!

-he leaves, his cloak whooshing out after him, and slams the door behind him-

Kinsey: -looks up and smiles- Join us next time for Miss Know-It-All, Miss Hermione Granger! Dun dun DUNNNNN!

Michael: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!... Oh, wait, wrong holiday. There IS no holiday in August! Silly me… Anyway, goodbye and goodnight!

* * *

REVIEWS RESPONSES (Chapter 4 only) 

Frances: OOH! YOU REVIEWED! Anyway, yeah, I did make a mistake, but I was kinda tired then and I don't reread and edit my chapters very thoroughly before I post them. Sorry! And glad you liked it.

Becki: Haha, glad you liked. You will force me to… WHAT? XD!


End file.
